Pongo, Pongo ‘ere he snores,
Laziest of the dinosaurs.
Dumbest too, without distinction-
Why Pongo slept through mass extinction!

In all the Cretaceous, no dinosaur was lazier than Pongo the Tyrannosaurus Rex. All day he basked in the warm sun and nibbled on anything that wandered close enough to his toothy jaws.

“Foolish Pongo,” said his buds
Old Ceratops and Sauropod,
“You sleep and eat and nap and bite
While sitting in your own coprolites.”

One day, after eating a whole nest of Maiosaura eggs, Pongo decided to take a nap. He curled up with his tail in his stubby little claws and fell asleep. Little did Pongo know, he would not wake up for a long, long time.

Oh the sets, the scores, the sums
Of centuries, millenniums,
Between the sleep-bound dino-snores,
They zip on by, so many more!

Pongo woke to the blaring of horns. All around him were zooming metal boxes, and little furry creatures that yelled strange words. “Get out of the road, you bum!” “You’re holding up traffic!” “Can’t you understand English?” Pongo was confused! He tried walking away, but there were tall stacks of stone and metal all around him! Crash! Bang! Pongo tripped over a taxi cab, and smashed right into a Starbucks! Pongo turned around, and his tail swept into a bus full of people. The bus flew across the street and crashed into another Starbucks! This was not a good day for Pongo!

Suddenly, a man in a bright blue suit walked up to the confused Tyrannosaurus Rex.

“A dinosaur on city streets?
Oh what a find, oh what a treat!
Say you Yes or say you No,
You must appear on my talk show!”

Pongo followed the man in the blue suit. He was led to a studio lot, where he signed a consent form and was ushered into a back room for makeup. At 11 PM Pacific Coast Time, Pongo appeared on his very first talk show!

“Welcome to the Final Hour,
Your daily dose of sweet and sour-
Pleasure with your politics.
And don’t forget the animal tricks!”

The man in the blue suit smiled at the camera. “Tonight we’ve got a real treat for you. In his first interview since announcing his candidacy for the Republican Party, Mr. Ralph Golby.” The audience clapped. “We have another guest for you tonight.. I’m sure you’ve heard of the impact he made downtown.” The audience clapped. “We’ll be talking with Pongo the Tyrannosaurus Rex, a real treat on our show!”

Pongo sat in a small red chair next to a man who talked about the upcoming elections, and about war and debt and illegal immigration. Pongo did not know what to think. The studio lights hurt his eyes, and his tail did not fit into the chair. Pongo felt lonely and confused, but above all Pongo felt hungry. So he ate Mr. Ralph Golby. The audience clapped.

The next day, all the news stations talked about Pongo’s talk show experience.

On Channel 2:

“We interrupt this Action News
On DANGERS of your BARBEQUES
To bring you something controversial-
We’ll be back after commercial!”

On Channel 8:

“Whose bite is far worse than his bark?
This story after we embark
On messages from our sponsors,
We’ll hear from Pop Star responders.”

On Channels 12, 25 and 42:

And now the roars of Punditries,
Those prehistoric rivalries.
But where’s the menace, where’s the fire?
“Here’s a guy whom I admire!”

All around the country, conservative TV hosts praised Pongo’s decisive acts!

“Say what you will about this man,
He’s the original American!
He does not play around with words-
He speaks with Action, you liberal nerds!”

The liberal TV hosts also spoke highly of Pongo.

“Say what you will about this man,
He ate the lead Republican!
He may be dumb, he may be fat,
But Pongo’s where our vote is at.”

One day, Pongo was lead by men with sunglasses into a dark room. Someone spoke from the shadows. “Pongo, America is crazy about you. Ralph Golby was leading in the polls. There is a Republican debate on Friday that would have cemented his position for the upcoming election. We want you to take his place.”

On Friday, Pongo appeared at his first debate! A man in a bright red tie asked a lot of very difficult questions, and there was a timer and a stage where Pongo and all the other candidates stood.

“We’ve covered easier solutions
To global warming and evolution,
But now a question back on track,
What will you do when TERRORISTS ATTACK?”

Each candidate answered in turn. They talked about foreign policies and military surges and color-coded warning systems. Then it was Pongo’s turn. He did not know what to say! Pongo began to sweat and to worry and his stomach rumbled. He was hungry! So he ate all the candidates on stage.

Believe it or not, all the newspapers put Pongo on the front page!

In the news and in the papers
Push aside the murders, rapers-
Here’s a story fit to print:
A Dinosaur for President?

Election day came closer and closer. Pongo was the only Republican Candidate left, but there sure were a lot of other parties! There was a Democratic Candidate, and a Green Party Candidate, and probably many more as well! Every day the news talked about Pongo. It was Pongo-Mania!

Election Day, Hip Hip Hooray!
Let’s celebrate this Holiday!
Get off from work and find a booth,
We’ll trust the masses for the truth!

The votes were counted once, twice, and thrice! On all the stations, the results were reported: Pongo won!

Pongo, Pongo ‘ere he stands,
USA’s number one man!
He’ll set the course in troubled times,
This Tyrannosaurus Rex divine!

Pongo immediately set about solving America’s problems. Every time a conflict arose, Pongo would trust his gut. More often than not, the solution was simple- Pongo ate!

Illegal immigrants? Gobble ‘em up!

Foreign terrorists? Gobble ‘em up!

Elderly on social welfare? Pongo did not discriminate in policy or in taste.

Pongo ate and ate for four years. Sometimes people spoke up against Pongo’s methods, calling him brutish and predatory. But on the news, these people were exposed as liars and as traitors.

“Did you hear about this Pongo hater-
Or should I say a Pongo traitor?
You’re either with him or against,
Or in his lower intestines.”

When Election Day came again, mysteriously Pongo ran unopposed. The vote was unanimous. “Four more years!” the people screamed.

Pongo tackled a whole new set of issues. Unemployment, labor unions, endangered species. It might seem like a lot, but Pongo never bit off more than he could chew.

One day, after eating a whole bunch of nest eggs, Pongo decided to take a nap. He curled up in the oval office with his tail in his stubby little claws, and fell asleep.

Pongo, Pongo there he goes,
Best damn Pres we’ve ever known.
Gone to lands of dino-dreams,
We all await his awakening!

Pongo woke in the crumbled remains of the White House. All around him was bleached white sand. A few humans in ragged clothes crept close and bowed low. “The Great President-God Pongo has awoken!” they cried. “Lead us once again, Oh Leader of Millennia Past!”

Pongo didn’t know what to think! Things sure had changed while he was sleeping. But one thing was for sure- Pongo was hungry!